I'm starting to question whether or not this is more of a blog or some sort of way for me to retain my sanity by having written logs... I prefer typing to writing, so here it is.
Anyways, finals week rolled around and things... happened.
I got a whopping 40% on my math final, earning an overall D in the class. I was never really fond of math, and it turns out it didn't really change even in college. I'm retaking the class again next quarter and I'll try harder, but my lack of interest and attention in the subject will only allow me to try and pass at the lowest grade possible, which is a C (Not C-, since that's considered failing).
On top of that, I barely failed computer science class. Barely. With the final, I earned an overall grade of C- in the class (which, if you read above, is considered failing), so I'm retaking it along with math. My brother (twin, same major) has told me that he's going to stop helping me from here (since he passed all his classes perfectly fine) and leaving me to fend for myself. I learn stuff slow, and learning something as complex as computer science only exacerbates it. Try harder, I guess. Don't particularly like the prospect of having to put in more effort than everyone else just to stay at the same level they are. Hurts my self-esteem something bad.
And I suppose it's been something that was nagging me for quite a while now. I don't really know what I want to be. Perhaps it's a lack of a serious talk with my parents (I find it hard to talk to them about any serious topic in general) and my lack of a confidant (I may have a twin brother but we're as different as we are alike). I'd thought I wanted to be a chef, something more hands-on, minor math and technique involved, and dealing with something that I love, which is food, but the same could be said of computer science for me, too. I keep thinking to myself that I'll be set for life with some Perfect Job out there somewhere and be able to retire in peace, but knowing real life, things are hardly as easy for that.
I'm picking up a part-time job next quarter and I'll hopefully be able to start sustaining myself now. I've only applied for one, though, and that's to stack books at the library, since I'd rather not deal with any jobs pertaining to public interaction or heavy lifting since I'm in university. My brother applied for the same job, the slots are small, and we don't know whether we made it or not. It has to be on campus since I can't drive (even though I have a driver's license, which is stupid). Just more strain on my academic life, and less time for me to study. Going to have to deal with that, too, I suppose.
And then there's women, which I won't go into with detail because it'll make me mopy and all that. Self-explanatory, though, and I believe it is the cause of my lack of motivation. I consistently keep thinking about meeting a nice girl and "falling in love at first sight", family, and so on. Hopeful thinking, as usual. Telling yourself it's just in your head is nice and all, but some part of you always still wants to believe it. Unfortunately for me, I still do believe in that. The depression usually sets in the hardest during this time of year.
Going on with life, as usual. I wonder where I'll end up a few years from now.
On the bright side, it's winter vacation. But I doubt I'll get anything good this year, simply because my relatives never seem to get anything I want (on the contrary, my cousins do. Haha, that's really funny...), and with my recent academic performance. Merry Christmas, I guess.
-Delta
I agree with what Amaya has said. I hope you do well in the next semester.
@DeltaX : Couldnt say better than what Amaya said. Since you are not doing good and you want to be a chef than you need to make your parents understand. Coz its pointless to work on something that you dont like at all.
Hey I like the new banner. Just need time to get used to. Hope that you all are doing well. Blessings of March on the way!
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You remind me of a movie of Nicolas Cage where he had a twin brother and of similar situation of yours. That's not the point though. I think you need to have a chat with your parents about your interest and what you want to be in future. If you are firm that you want to be a Chef, then let it be. Chefs are mostly cool and very highly paid if good.
Good luck with the Christmas presents.