I hate learning. I don't know why. I hate it. But maybe it's not that. Maybe it's because I can't.
For most of my life, I found learning to be quite impressionable. However, as I grew out of it and ventured into later stages like junior high and all the way up to college, I found my lack of focus to be extremely disturbing. Nowadays, I can't even venture into a class without falling into a daydream of some sort. It's extremely disheartening, but when I try to force my mind out of that state, it's like trying to wade knee-high in extremely thick mud. My brain registers what's being said in the classroom, but it doesn't remember nor understand it. It's becoming a persistent problem that I'm having an increasingly harder time trying to get out of.
My focus is nearly non-existent these days. For nearly half a class, it's probably just me daydreaming. In the rare times where I do focus, things get done quickly and efficiently, but those times are well beyond gone now. After failing miserably on my math midterms and only being barely kept afloat in CS thanks in part to my more intelligent twin brother, I just feel STUPID. When I look at everyone else's scores compared to mine, which is lower than the class average, I just feel STUPID. And when I look at my insane amounts of effort just to even try to comprehend the basic building blocks of the material that we're covering, I feel STUPID.
Yes, STUPID. I feel like the biggest idiot in the world. I try, and I try harder. And I try harder than that. It's such a pain to try to get the lethargic mindset out of my head but I keep telling it, but it feels mentally dull, as if nothing registers, or happens. I try to focus, I try to remember, I try to understand, but all of it goes in one ear and comes out the other; it's like I'm staring at a blank wall and the only thing I remember is what my brain can only seem to understand easily and when it's catchy enough that I remember it clearly. I can't seem to learn anymore. Maybe I have a learning disability, or ADHD. I need to get checked. It's driving me insane, and making me depressed. Then thoughts of me not being able to pick up a girl or some other thoughts start creeping into my head... and then the depression daydreams begin... I'm stuck in a limbo state of mind that just doesn't want to learn but still wants to learn.
I f--king hate myself. For not trying hard enough, and for trying too hard.
-Delta
Daydreams are good and particularly during class hours. But you seem to have taken it pretty seriously. Maybe you need sports in your life to increase the focus. Getting checked won't help you much. This is something you need to figure out by yourself. Don't be upset about it mate. You can fix this :)
And, if possible try to read our blogs time to time :P
I find myself having to put out a lot more effort then like you my classmates seem to. Though its really hard to tell how much they do since it is online. I try not to compare myself the others...but sometimes I don't understand how they pick up the concepts on first go through...and I need 6 or 7 times reading the same thing to understand.
You are not stupid! DON'T think that! Plenty of people struggle like you do.
If you try to makes things too hard, it can create problems. Keep it steady and easy. I also have this problem and its hard to solve it on my own. Do what are you interested in it. If you have to do what you dont like then have some pre-motivated mood (like thinking I am going to get over this class and come out high) then it may work. Have a good night sleep and yes meditation is quite helpful in this process.
WE NEED TO GO DEEPER
I'm sorry. D:
Would you say you normally eat healthy? You might have not been getting enough nutrients during your childhood and that might make it hard for you to focus. Have you ever taken an art class of some sort? A creative output might be just the thing for your problem... You might be a visual learner... There are many other conclusions you can come to.
Trust me, you aren't stupid. Or at least I don't believe you are. The fact that you can admit these things to other people makes you very mature and in-control of yourself. I don't blame you for daydreaming during math lessons (at least you're not me... who sleeps the whole time). School itself can be hard. And you're in college. I'm really not experienced in that area at all but, I've been told it's difficult. At least you've gotten that far; that means you're getting somewhere or doing something right to overcome this problem you have.
@Dramus: I'd say it's something like that... I had a great teacher during my senior year and I passed math with a high B. Could be that. Unfortunately, I don't exactly get the greatest of choices in college to pick from.
@Sleven: Thanks. I'll check as often as I can. xD
@deliduck: Thing is that, yes, I do have to study/read more, but my attention span is incapable of doing that. If I get bored of something, my interest and attention in it flatlines entirely. Hence, why I have to keep shifting between multiple tasks to maintain interest on anything that I'm doing (which is haphazard in itself).
@Koshai: The thing is that what's hard is something that I'm required to put in a lot of effort (making it harder). I've not tried meditation since I don't really know what it means to "meditate".
@Yaoi: I've tried art before... I'm the sort of guy that just wishes that I can just be instantly great at something without even trying. So my art and stories that I make always turn out... bad, and it really depresses and discourages me from trying harder. I know people say that practice makes perfect, but I don't want to practice anymore, I've been practicing my whole life; I just want perfect. Also, I don't really think I'm mature. I have problems, some of which are things that normal people probably don't have.
Don't blame yourself. We all face similar situation and try to overcome as much as we can. The more we can, the better grades we get. Set yourself few rules and try not to be in your comfort zone.
@DeltaX I have to shift a lot some days too. Which can make it hard to retain anything I know. I get bored sometimes but iv made reading such a habit I just do it with out even thinking much of it anymore...which is why I switch a lot and have to read it over so many times! lol. Sorry if that is all nonsensical...im in the middle of reading which I dont want to do right now.
Hey I like the new banner. Just need time to get used to. Hope that you all are doing well. Blessings of March on the way!
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In my opinion, what you have isnt a focus problem, what you have is a lack of interest. Personally, i failed algebra 2...twice... in high school. i had to take an alternate class with a different teacher that joked more in class than taught and that kinda kindled my attention enough to help me pass the class with a B average.
In your case, i would say that your mind just isnt interested by what is being said to it. the few times it shows focus is basically because something was said to spark up its interest. So its not really that you are stupid, stupid people cant come up with this type of self evaluation, you just havent found a strong enough motivator to assist your demanding thought processes.
thats my opinion anyways.