The blog entries 'Rejection of Friendship' and 'Martyr' from my Gamespot blog.
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While at primary school,I met a pupil who became envious of the popularity and attention I enjoyed throughout my school life. The pupil acted on this emotion, resulting in the creation of a reaction set that would drive potential friens away in order to avoid the "punishments" administered for having friends.
I will post another blog entry on this later, featuring more details.
Please understand that I'm not venting, though that is an added benefit of posting these entries. I'm posting to acquirre useful advice and info, as well as posting to record my progess in removing the sets.
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I created a set for the purpose of convincing others thatI required help. This set will be refered to as the Martyr set as it can influence me cause damage to myself while following thebelief that doing sois worthit for something greater. This will make more sense in later paragraphs.Every person I have spoken to and asked for help regarding this matter in person (i.e. not online), has not been willing to listen, or has been willing to but has dismissed the matter as non-existent or unimportant. This set was created to encourage others to listen and take the issue seriously, however this set isn't suited to anything else.
The set will use various means (including physically dangerous means) to encourage others to open their minds to the possibility that the difficulties I am expieriencing may be real, and not difficulties that can be resolved within a short period of time. The set was created after my father began to administer corporal punishment, but became more active after entering secondary school. the set dosen't deal exclusively with the issues focused upon in 'Early Childhood', but also attempts to convince others of the other difficulties I expierience that I have been denied help for, including OCD. While i have spoken about my condition with my father, he insists that OCD can be stopped by simply beating the OCD inflicted person until they stop acting on the impulses and refuses to believe I have OCD. While under the influence of this set, I adopt the belief that it dosen't matter how much physical or mental damage I cause to myself if I can convince others of my difficulties and seek the help I require. After convincing others, I intend to use another set which will explain the difficulties and request the assistance needed. However, this other set is never successful, thus resulting in only the Martyr set being active, created the risk of extensive harm without benefit.
The set became very influential for an extended period of time last year, from January to June. It should be noted that this set is a set that is difficult to control. Some sets can be managed very effectively, and I can choose to use them. These sets are generally benefitcial, though their benefits may only be neccessary as a result of the disadvantages of other sets. The Martyr set may be controlled to a degree, and I have been successful in increasing the degree to which it may be controlled, however, it's use is stillnot yetalways voluntary.
For every person I have met, there exists a set that caters to the percieved needs of the person, or possibly, behaves in such a way that is pleasing to the person. These sets are entirely unneccessary, as every person I met has taken a liking to me very quickly when not under the influence of any set.
'People are your friends because of you are, not who you pretend to be'.
Despite acknowledging this, fear prevents me from remaining myself. This may be related to the treatmnent recieved by my "friend" at primary school. A set was developed to avoid making new friends and to drive away existing ones, to avoid the treatment of my "friend" who was envious of the intense popularity I enjoyed. This person acted ina similar manner to other popular pupils, though it was difficult for me to oppose it due to the sets that had already been created due to my parents' treatment. This lead to the creation of other sets in secondary school, which my "friend" and the other abusive "friends" attended. However, these sets conflicted with my father and mother, resulting further 'punishment' reinforcing my shyness and causing further punishment from my father to occur, thus resulting in my shyness becoming even greater. This became a vicious circle, to break the circle I created the martyr set, which conflicted with every person I met, due to the goals and unrealistic expectations of the set. As school life progressed, the set became more influential, until it became very influential last Summer to a dangerous degree. I was assigned to a psdycological counsellor, whom determined that there was nothing wrong, other than telling I may have been an accident.
During my first Sixth Form year, a set was created that was very calm, enduring and disiplined. This was ideal for the treatment expected at school, and was very successful until May, when the set was no longer effective in keeping the other sets from being triggered. From September 7th,I may begin my next and final Sixth Form year, based upon my exam results. Though I feel closer to myself and some of the sets may now be controlled to a greater degree, I will need help to ensure that the sets do not re-emerge.
This entry may have been written under the influence of a set, so some info may have been left out. In the next entry I will discuss each set in detail and its triggers.
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In all of that, really the only advice I can offer is about OCD.
If you truly are obsessive-compulsive, then really the only way to reverse it is to gradually grow out of it. Other than that, it can be just as helpful to embrace your OCD; use it for things such as school studies, cleanliness, etc. Just doing that will make you feel a little better.
I was going to send you a reply based on your previous blog. I suppose I'll wait till your next entry.
Hey I like the new banner. Just need time to get used to. Hope that you all are doing well. Blessings of March on the way!
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Now it's making sense. But I'm fully into this yet. Finish your next entry and you'll have my comment on this. I've sent you a PM based on your previous blog. I guess I should've waited to see this blog post and the next entry. I guess I'll write another one after finishing your next entry.
Btw, can you PM me your gamespot account url?